That may seem counter-intuitive to some of you who immediately think, “Exit only!” However, anal sex is the most direct way to stimulate the prostate, and about 40% of non-prostate owners admit to enjoying the experience. There have been books written on it, so this is just an intro. Here are the 10 most important things you need to know before having anal sex.
1. People have anal sex because it feels good (including straight men)
The butt is equal opportunity! There are thousands of pleasure nerve endings in the anus and a common misconception is it’s only for gay men and straight women. Orientation is about who you do stuff with, not what you do. The prostate can easily be stimulated through the rectal wall, and that’s the male G-spot.
2. Use lube
There are no cells that naturally produce any lubrication. The rectum can tear more easily with friction, so you want as little friction as possible. Silicone lubes like Uberlube are the best. Oil-based lubes are good, too, but remember oil is not compatible with latex condoms or toys. There are even water-based lubes specific for anal sex. Putting a drop of lube underneath a dental dam makes for better sensation transfer.
3. Start from the outside and work inward
Penetration isn’t necessary. We often refer to playing with the outer tissues as anal play, and penetration as anal sex. Rimming, or analingus, is using the mouth & tongue to stimulate that area. You can use fingers to just touch the area. You can put a vibrator against there. Then you can start working inwards.
4. Go S-L-O-W
If you start by trying to insert a penis, you’re doing it wrong. Start with fingers, do what feels good, then move to more fingers or toys, switch to even more fingers or larger toys when ready, and then go for a penis. It takes time to stretch the anus and the rectum. Communication is really important with partners here! It’s also best to stay sober.
5. Sh*t happens
It might not be a big deal to some, but to others it is. I’ll do a separate post on anal douching, but for now know that a good healthy diet full of lots of vegetation is key to being able to get rid of everything when you do go, and you should go about an hour before you want to play.
6. Use protection – ALWAYS
Those worried about the ick factor will be glad to know that condoms, gloves, and dental dams make for quick clean-up. Dental dams make for worry-free analingus – add some flavored lube! Gloves protect the rectum from fingernails. Condoms can be unrolled over toys as well as the penis. Because the anus is easily torn, anal sex is the #1 way HIV is passed between partners, and you can more easily contract something else anally, too. It’s also possible to get pregnant after unprotected anal sex, because semen can spill out on removal of the penis or during clean-up and it only takes one sperm to make it into the vagina and to an ovum. It’s rare, but it does happen.
7. Not everyone likes it, and that’s ok
Only about 40% of vulva-owners say they enjoy anal sex. Some people are too icked out by the poo factor. Others just have no interest. That’s ok. You never have to have anal sex. Knowing the info is important, though, in case someone you know needs it. Don’t expect your partner to do it if it’s not their thing.
8. Never go from the anus to the vagina or mouth
While the mouth is part of the digestive tract and can sometimes handle butt bacteria better, the vagina is a pretty delicate ecosystem. Anal to vaginal sex is a good way to get a really bad infection. So make sure to change condoms/dams/gloves. Never use a toy in your butt and then in your vagina without sterilizing it (boiling a toy that doesn’t vibrate, or using a 10% bleach solution on one that does).
9. Yes, I know what they do in porn
They never talk about what they’re going to do beforehand, don’t show how much lube is used, and the warm-up isn’t filmed. Talk to adult performers, and you’ll learn that there is indeed much negotiation, lots of lube, tons of warm-up, and many have a colonics procedure beforehand and avoid eating 12 hours before the scene because anal followed by oral has become more popular, as well as anal to vaginal. It’s been said vaginal infections are a job hazard. There’s a lot of work that goes into just a few minutes of performance! Porn is not sex ed. It’s fantasy.
10. Toys need a flange
As was eluded to in a previous post, it’s really important that your anal toys have a proper flange to prevent it from getting lost in your butt. The rectum actually has a vacuum from the way the colon muscles move, and can pull things in. Only use toys designed for anal, and again, never use them vaginally afterwards. Not even a long handle can protect you. If you’re not sure where to start, contact me for a FREE 15-minute consultation by phone to discuss your needs.
Aside from these tips, communication is paramount. It should never hurt. When it hurts, it’s easier to tear the tissue, and that can actually lead to a hospital visit. So if you’ve been pressuring your partner to let you in the back door, and they aren’t sure, back off. They might not be into it. If you need help navigating this issue, book a Passion Coaching session to see if we can’t get both of you on the same page.