Welcome to #allthepassion!
This is a little sex-positive slice of heaven on the Internet. This blog carries out my mission in distributing free sex education information as best as sex research has come to a consensus on. As such, comments are heavily moderated to promote a shame-free zone for those of marginalized sexualities, genders, sexes, and lifestyles. For your comment to be posted, it must adhere to the following guidelines.
- This blog is a dictatorship, not a democracy. This is going to play into the hyperbole of those who tend to post hate on blogs like this, but the primary reason for this is the mountain of spam comments and pingbacks I get that hurt my search rankings. So as much as some folks would like to take it personally, it really isn’t about you, although if your comment violates any other guidelines, it will not be allowed, and no amount of whining or complaining is going to get your comment posted. Your comments will not post immediately. I review and approve all of them. Give me 24 hours. If it isn’t approved by then, send me an e-mail. I do go on vacation from time to time.
- Do not post spam. While this is already made crystal clear in Point 1, what really gets under my skin is subversive, “social engineering” spam that comes from a real human really trying to promote their own business ends. Don’t do it. If you’re a blogger, feel free to attach your link to your blog, but if you’re going to post a commercial shopping site, affiliate link, are another sex toy party consultant, etc. just don’t.
- We are intersectional here. Intersectional sex-positive feminism recognizes all marginalized identities, whether it be that person’s sex, race, gender, sexual orientation, sexuality, sexual practices, sexual fetishes, physical or emotional ability differences, body size differences, physical appearance, class, career or lack thereof, reproductive choices, religion, nation of origin, relationship status, or all of the above. We recognize positions of power and privilege in society and that each individual carries with them particular privileges and disadvantages, of which we must be aware of and respect.
- Assume good intent. If someone posts something potentially offensive, consider they may not know better before putting them on blast. Igniting a shame reaction in someone never works out well. Once fight-or-flight takes over, forget rational discussion. If YOU feel shame/offense fight-or-flight, deal with that first. Sleep on it if you’re that worked up. Remember: thinking critically is one of the 4 elements of empathy.
- Call in, not out. If someone says something problematic (aka potentially offensive or privileged), use the call-in method to help them identify privilege. Remember, letting go of patriarchy and sex negativity is a process. This is not tone policing, by the way. This is sociopathy policing: treat others with empathy. Individuals that mess up need to be notified in a way that doesn’t illicit shame so that the logic center of their brain doesn’t shut down so they see the logic in what you’re saying. If they fail to be reasonable, though, that’s another story.
- That said, if you’re called in, it’s appropriate to give an unqualified apology. Do not clarify your intent. The impact is what you are apologizing for. You can’t take that back. Identify with your impact, apologize for doing it, and commit to doing better. Then move on.
- No dead naming or dead pronouns. You should have already guessed this by now, but “gender critical” feminism is counter to sex positivity. Radical acceptance of other human beings for who they are and not what genitals or chromosomes they were born with is what we practice here. Do not post someone’s chosen pronouns in quotation marks. Do not use someone’s old name, even if they are/were a celebrity. That said, feel free to disagree if you can do so respectfully. There are a lot of gray areas, and that makes humans uncomfortable. That’s ok.
- No threats or hate speech. It hardly needs to be said, but we don’t wish others harm here. That includes cishet white dudes. Don’t wish harm on them as a group. That’s dehumanizing without their consent. That, too, is counter to sex positivity.
- No sex negative commentary. Even feminists sometimes say sex negative things. “I bet he’s compensating for a small dick,” is one refrain I am tired of hearing. Do not belittle anyone’s genitals, sexual practices, sexual prowess, fecundity, virility, physical appearance, or anything relating to their sexual self. NOPE.
- Snark is fine, personal attacks are not. I will be very judicious with allowing commentary that may illicit shame reactions (thus, making one feel more powerful than another, or shutting down the logic center of the brain). Be intentional with your words, your sarcasm, your critique of other thoughts & ideas. Would you look a stranger in the eyes and say it in person? Can you handle hurting someone and needing to apologize? If not, don’t say it. Deal with your own judginess and defensiveness first.
- Use language empathetically. It’s one thing if someone doesn’t know. If you do know, be thoughtful. Don’t use a term because you know it will get someone’s goat or because you want to hurt them. I know it feels good to be right in an internet argument, but when you do so in a condescending tone, it makes you look like the loser.
A Word About “Crazy”
Many, many people have mental illnesses. Depression, ADHD, bipolar 2, and OCD are all relatively common. I have one of these mental health conditions. While I am OK with you using the word “ignorant” to refer to someone who innocently does not know something and “stupid” or “willfully ignorant” as someone who knows better and chooses foolishness, “crazy” and many other words are not welcome here. As late as the 1970’s, frontal lobotomies were performed in the United States to correct mental illness. Mental institutions still exist. Our mental health system is really fucking broken. If you won’t say racial epithets or other slurs, don’t say words that marginalize those of us who are a few pills or a stressful event away from medical criminalization and homelessness. Let’s try to limit our use of words like “crazy” “idiot/idiocy” “imbecile” “moron/moronic” “lunatic/lunacy” et. al.
Here are some words you can use instead:
- innocently minded
- not making sense
- *point out a logical fallacy* (bonus points if you know them beyond ad hominem, straw man, or anecdotal)
- full of shit
You’ll get an e-mail from me to re-write your comment with one of the above words in the place of the marginalizing term.
Generally, you want to focus on the argument, and not the person. Otherwise, it steps into personal attack territory. However, feel free to call me in on my privilege, too.
I look forward to interacting with you and many lively discussions!