Ask DeAnn: Anal Sex – Is He too Big?

hr0146I have tried anal a few times.  Now every time I try it, it hurts so bad. Although I’ve heard that it can be very enjoyable, I can’t seem to figure it out. What am I doing wrong? Is my hubby doing something wrong?  We use lots of lube. He’s very gentle and patient with me. Could he be to big? Should I maybe start off with a toy before allowing him in?  He will use his finger at times and that’s fine but once he tries his penis. It hurts. Help! I want to enjoy this. – Smiley


Dear Smiley,

I’m sorry your attempts at anal pleasure are making you frown. Let’s turn that frown upside down and turn oh no into “Oh, yes!”

Your instincts are right on. You’re using lots of lube, your husband is starting off with fingers, and he’s patient with your comfort level. That is exactly the right thing to do.  Your instincts about a toy are right on, too.

Whether he slowly begins to use more fingers, you wear a butt plug during foreplay, or you practice penetration with toys of increasing girth, you need to dilate the orifice so that it comfortably accepts something roughly the size of your husband’s erect penis. The next time he’s hard, wrap a tape measure around the widest part of his penis (the coronal ridge, usually) and see how big he is. You can also measure diameter. Most average dildos are between 1 and 1.5″ in diameter, or 3-5″ in circumference (rough estimate – we were told we’d never need geometry but here we are needing to use pi with dildo measurements). There are also larger dildos out there, some up to 3″ in diameter! Shop for plugs and dildos of approximately his size and smaller so you can work up to his girth. Vibration can help relax the area, too. You might also look into silicone or glass dilator sets, which come in increasing sizes and can help stretch your limits. Of course, latex gloves and fingers are cheap options. Go with what works best for you two and your budget.

You also need to make sure you are relaxed and enjoying yourself. Don’t tell him you’re ready for the next step just because you’ve been doing x for y minutes. There is no time table. Many adult film stars have talked at length about how long it takes them to warm up for an anal scene, and even a double anal scene, so it’s not that he’s too big – you just need more time and stretching, so relax and know that it’s possible, you’re capable, and you can enjoy this, too.

Once he’s got the head in, he should make short thrusts gently, using more lube as necessary, and move to longer or faster strokes only when you’re ready and it feels good. A condom makes for easier clean-up, and also reduces friction and allows for a smoother surface to glide against the lube. Make sure you are fully turned on and stimulate your clitoris with fingers or a vibrator.

One final bit of advice: do this sober and without numbing creams. While alcohol can help you relax, it is a vasodilator, so you could experience bleeding. Toking a bowl can make for some amazing anal sex, too, but this should not be done by beginners – wait until you’re experienced before mixing the 420 with anal. Poppers and other substances can just plain be dangerous for a variety of reasons. For the sake of safety, as a beginner, do it sober. While there are a number of organic relaxants and essential oils, numbing creams, in my opinion, should be removed from the market. Completely numbing the area is dangerous and sends people to the hospital. Pain is a sign you need to stop and go back to what you were doing before it hurt, not an obstacle to be overcome.

Some people are able to orgasm during anal sex, and there are lots of pleasure nerve endings back there. Anal sex is also a fantastic way to exercise constant consent and communication during sex, which increases intimacy for both of you. Take it slow, warm up with more in-between girth options, use a quality lube, and have fun with it!

I’ll be sending you a coupon code so you can shop for what you need at a discount. Let me know how it goes!



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