Ask DeAnn: I Can’t Orgasm During Penetration Anymore

Sexy couple neck kissingI have a question. I have had a hard time cumming lately during sex. I can orgasm perfectly fine with oral sex but I get in my head a lot during sex and can’t finish. Is that normal? I feel like my partner is bored, little sounds will distract me, I feel like I need to hurry up. It’s never really been a problem and so it’s been frustrating lately.  Usually it’s telling my self to hurry up and orgasm before he does because he doesn’t last very long and I know I only have a short window, which ends up having the reverse effect. Why does something so fun and pleasurable have to be so complicated and frustrating?


That really does sound frustrating! You’re used to being able to orgasm during penetration, but lately you’ve been stuck inside your own head. You know what? It’s totally common!

The reason you orgasm through oral sex more easily is because there, your partner has direct access to your clitoris, which is the orgasm powerhouse of your body. It’s also easier to just lay back and focus on the sensation when a partner is performing oral.

During penetration, it takes a lot more focus to really experience pleasure, because there’s a lot more you’re focused on doing to bring your partner pleasure. Add in the daily stress of life, and then the pressure to finish before your partner does, and you have a recipe for distraction stealing your orgasm from you.

There are several things you can do.

First, go with what works. If your partner gets totally spent upon achieving orgasm, you could ask for oral first. I know that conversation is hard, but an easy out is to focus on how good your partner is at it, and say it’ll help you enjoy penetrative sex even more, taking the pressure off of you to orgasm during that. You may find your partner is relieved, since holding off orgasm to make sure you get yours may be a lot of pressure on your partner.

Second, add a vibrator to the mix. There are several toys that are unobtrusive and you can use during intercourse. There are even some designed to be used during intercourse, such as the We-Vibe 4+ or Dame Eva. If you need something really strong, there are even sex pillows that allow you to use a powerful wand against the clitoris during intercourse. This will help keep your mind focused on where you are. If your partner happens to orgasm first, the toy can be used to help you finish. Hand it to your partner and make a sexy game out of saying out loud how much pressure you like and what speed or pattern it’s on!

Third, use mindfulness techniques to stay in the moment. Pleasure is the measure when it comes to sex. Rather than focusing on the end goal, focus on the pleasure you feel in the moment. If there’s a way you’d like to be touched or kissed, go after it, ask for it. If switching positions would feel better to you, go after it. Touch your own body, your nipples, your clitoris, whatever feels good to you. The moment an outside thought enters your mind, banish it if it doesn’t bring you pleasure. Make feeling good in your body a priority.

Finally, experiment with different positions and techniques. This will keep your focus on the act at hand. There are tons of great guides out there on this. Try this: sit in your partner’s lap and stare into each others’ eyes. Put your hands on each others’ hearts. Match each others’ breathing. Do this for a few minutes as you get started, and then have your partner penetrate you, maintaining eye contact. It’ll be super hot, holding your focus, and keeping your mind on the task at hand.

Remember, orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal of sex. Goal-oriented sex focuses too much on the destination, and ignores the pleasure of the journey. It’s okay to insist on getting there, though, if that’s what you really want, but don’t forget to enjoy the process. That’s where you’ll find the inspiration to have fun and stay focused.



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