Well, it’s true. Here’s a list of some of my favorite ways to ensure great sex every time. If you’ve got at least a couple of these, you’re on the right track to fully embracing #allthepassion!
Mutual, Enthusiastic Consent
Without freely given consent, any sexual contact is a crime, so this one’s a requirement. You can’t have great sex if you feel like you’re obligated to give it up, if you’re drunk, or if you feel pressured, right? Great sex is about more than just “Yeah, let’s hook up,” it’s about being really into each other. Mutual, enthusiastic consent means all partners involved want to have great sex, and check in with each other to make sure it’s still great during. If something’s not quite as great, they’re willing to change it up or stop as needed. They negotiate what everyone is open to happening before and during sex, and after, they check in on what worked and what didn’t, so next time, it’s even better.
I often suggest long-term partners take at least 10 minutes to debrief after sex, too. Often, it’s in that moment you’ve come up with fun ideas for the next time. Be sure to write them down!
Knowledge is power! Knowing basic sex ed facts is key to having great sex. Most of us have not had medically accurate, fact-based sex ed.
One place to look for it is right here. I’m a sex educator certified by the American College of Sexology. Subscribe to the blog. Submit a question to Ask DeAnn. Passion Coaching and Secret Soirees are available by Skype, Google Hangout, or locally in South Texas. You can peruse my online shop for educational reading material, too.
I also recommend you check out Scarleteen, the Oh Joy Sex Toy comic at Bitch Media, and last but not least YouTuber Laci Green is a personal fave! One place NOT to look: mainstream porn. Because porn is about fantasy, it doesn’t have time to teach you the reality of having great sex (and I’m not a big proponent of it anyway for a variety of reasons). Although, there are a few decent guides out there, so if you must, seek out work by Nina Hartley and Tristan Taormino.
You can’t have great sex if there’s no trust. Partners need to be able to trust one another, not just to stay faithful if the relationship is monogamous, but also to trust that when you are at your most vulnerable, you will be accepted and your boundaries will be respected. Can you say your relationship has that much trust? If not, you may want to speak to a licensed counselor to help walk you through building trust.
Locally here in San Antonio, I work closely with Leon Springs Counseling & Life Coaching (they provide me office space for Passion Coaching) so give them a call! Need help finding someone in your area? Psychology Today has a great search tool.
You’ve heard it before – confidence is sexy! Buy new lingerie and wear it under your day clothes. Get up and write yourself a love letter in the foggy mirror after a shower. Say a confidence mantra. Remember, YOU are the only you in that bedroom and your pleasure matters! If you have real trust like I mentioned above, confidence will become second nature.
Mutual Empathy and Mindfulness
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers” – Ruth Bell Graham.
Empathy is the ability to relate to what another person is feeling. Mindfulness is being aware of what’s going on around you. When this consideration is mutual, it means that each person is able to be vulnerable. Each person is able to voice their desires, be naked, be honest about consent, and apologize for mistakes. It’s in that moment, when you fall off the bed, when you admit to never having been on top before, you have sex with the lights on for the first time, or someone’s hair gets rolled onto, that you keep going without a sense of shame.
Great communication always makes for great sex! The key is to talk about sex outside the bedroom when you’re not turned on. Tell your partner about your fantasies, what they do that turns you on, what new things you’d be open to trying. You’d be surprised how many couples I talk to that are on the same page sexually and don’t know it! They keep defaulting to missionary or doggy style because they’re too afraid to tell their partner what they want. That also goes back to trust. Give your partner some credit! If you both trust each other and practice empathy, communication becomes much easier.
And again, never fake an orgasm or let a partner push you into doing what you really don’t want to do.
Fun and Foreplay
Great sex is all about the antici…
To have great sex, great foreplay comes first. Whether it’s sexy texting, playing footsie under your folks’ table before a holiday quickie in your old bedroom, getting a little Fifty Shades with a necktie and ice cubes, or indulging in a decadent massage, foreplay is psychologically better than sex! Anticipation can literally drive you to extremes. Many studies have been done on the science of anticipation and expectation in the brain, and researchers have discovered that when you are teased, it turns on the pleasure center of the brain and makes you hunger for the reward even more! When you finally get it, there’s been so much build up, your senses and emotions explode!
What would you add to this list? What else, besides sex toys, do you think makes for great sex?