June Is Adult Sex Ed Month!

May was International Masturbation Month. I walked you through its history, shared some fun facts, gave you some tips on dealing with shame, and then held a contest, which ended last night. I’ll be going through all the entries and notifying the winner soon!

You may be wondering why I didn’t ask you to masturbate as a challenge. The primary reason is that not everybody masturbates, and that needs to be respected. I simply wish to give you the information necessary to choose what’s right for you and your body. Sex positivity is about allowing people to own their sexy, and respecting that. Sexuality is kind of like a buffet, where you can choose the activities that turn you on. It’s my job to teach you the medically accurate facts about it, how to do it safely, and how to navigate it consensually with any involved partners. My mission is simply to educate, and that is why I’m so happy it’s June!

June is Adult Sex Education Month! Sponsored in part by My Secret Luxury and My Secret Soiree, this month-long social media campaign to help adults get the sex ed they didn’t receive in school. If you’ll recall at the beginning of last month, I asked you to anonymously submit questions and stories with masturbation as the central topic. Ask DeAnn is a regular feature here on #allthepassion where you can get sex or relationship advice. Chances are, if you have a question or have been in a situation, you’re not alone! Your questions and stories help others out there who might be in the same spot. Here, in no particular order, are the stories and “short answer” questions received as part of last month’s celebration of masturbation:

I worked at a fast-food restaurant when I first met my ex… I knew it was purely sexual… Anyway, she came by and kissed me, then left. I was so aroused I relieved myself in the restroom stall… I dont remember if I wiped down the wall afterwards… But, the rest of my shift was stress free… Btw, I washed my hands thoroughly before returning to work… Lol
– “Lance Manly”

I DID used to hump my pillow, but constantly wondered if anyone else did. My first sexual experiences were when I was quite young (elementary school aged) but were always with other girls. Those other girls were my introduction to masturbation, really. Now, as a full grown woman with a family I find that the easiest way for me to connect, powerfully, to the Divine is through masturbation. My only question: have you heard of others who use masturbation as a prayer type thing?
– Sofiana

Pillow humping is a very common sexual behavior for those with vulvas. Pressure and friction get the clitoris going.

It’s also not uncommon for kids to explore as they reach puberty, especially if they haven’t received any sort of sex education. However, it’s important to note that children can molest one another, especially since coercion is much easier during the socialization phase of human brain development. This is why comprehensive sex education is so important. It helps children understand body autonomy and gives them the language to navigate consent long before puberty, and provides them the answers to the questions they typically want to know when “playing doctor.”

As for sexuality and spirituality, they have been linked for eons in various religions and cultures, although not usually for women and certainly not in Abrahamic religions (Christianity, Islam, Judaism). Female sexuality has always been at the mercy of patriarchy, regardless the religion, when you look at its location of origin and how it was practiced at its inception. The world has evolved since, though, so you’ll find a lot more Pagan religions open to masturbation as a form of connection to the natural. I’ve also heard there’s a book on Tantric masturbation, called Masturbation Tantra and Self Love by Margo Woods, that’s supposed to be pretty good.

I can only orgasm when I masturbate, not during intercourse. Is this normal?
– Several submissions from people with vulvas

I’ve received a few variations of this question. There is no normal, but this is very common. Humans do not have a clitoris inside the vagina (but some other mammals do). The glans (tip) of the clitoris, where the most nerve endings are concentrated, is on the outside, while the internal clitoris and nerves and erectile tissue wrap around the urethra and vagina on either side. About 70-80% of us need direct, appropriate clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. The other 20-30% are most likely receiving internal clitoral stimulation, or have a hyper-sensitive urethral sponge (G-Spot). So, it’s likely you’re not getting direct clitoral stimulation during other acts. You know what your body likes, which is why you’re able to orgasm during self pleasure. Try using your hands or a vibrator during intercourse or teaching your partner how to give you an orgasm this way or orally.

Can you masturbate too often. Like can you hurt yourself?
– Anonymous

Generally, no. The only time this is a problem is when another psychological problem is at play, such as obsessive compulsive disorders or arousal addiction (which is even up for debate). If you’re masturbating so often other parts of your life suffer, or you cause bruising or break the skin, it’s time to seek help.

[What are the] benefits to owning multiple vibrators? strictly speaking, they all do the same thing

– via Twitter

I responded to this one via Twitter with a short answer, but the long answer is this: they don’t all do exactly the same thing. When we’re strictly talking about vibrators, shape, size, and power all matter.

Vibrators don’t encompass pulsators like the Fun Factory Stronics or the RevelBody SOL. The Eroscillator is not technically a vibrator because it oscillates back and forth. Vibrators also don’t include dildos or things like the new Fun Factory Bouncer that has rolling weighted balls inside the shaft for a sensation, which doesn’t involve any motorized parts at all.  Different products do different things and work in different situations.

For example, if you want to have an orgasm in 5 minutes, the Magic Wand Original or Doxy Wand are your best bets, but those are hard to use during intercourse or solo dildo use, because they take up a lot of space on the vulva. If you like to masturbate with a dildo and a clitoral vibrator at the same time, you should probably go for a WeVibe Tango instead, but that one is a hard plastic. If you prefer soft, squishy texture go for the Minna Limon or a Tenga Iroha. The JimmyJane Hello Touch offers you or your partner just a bit of added vibration to manual stimulation. The Hello Touch X and Mystim Tickling Truman give you the e-stim option. If you have reach issues due to disability or size, you’ll want a vibrator with a handle, such as the Lelo Mona 2, which can double as a G-Spot vibrator. If you’re in the mood for dual stimulation, it’s nice to have a rabbit on hand like the Lelo Ina 2 or Picobong Kaya. If you want to use a vibrator during penetrative intercourse, the We-Vibe 4 Plus is a best seller, while the Lelo Ida rotates for more intense G-Spot stimulation. Those are just two of many types of remote control vibrators, that allow your partner to please you from a distance. Of course, if you want the vibrator in a strap-on, the Tantus Purr fits in a harness, or you can just use a dual vibrator like the Fun Factory ShareVibe for dual internal vibrations or the Picobong Transformer for dual clitoral stimulation. Plus, vibrators also encompass vibrating products designed for anal use. There are so many options! And that’s just scratching the surface of vibrators!! We haven’t even touched things that don’t vibrate!

The point is, not all sex toys are vibrators, they don’t all vibrate the same way, and aren’t all best in any situation. While not every body needs a vibrator at all – some people just don’t like them – most bodies benefit from more than one type of sex toy. Think about it – how many pairs of shoes are we socialized to want to own? How many hand bags? How much makeup? How many clothes? These are mostly for the gaze of others, yet we think we don’t deserve more than one vibrator? Why the heck not?? Your genitals want different things at different times in different situations. Own enough products to make sure your genitals give you great orgasms. You’re worth it!

Hey DeAnn 🙂 I just wanted to ask, I’ve had my favorite toy now for a while and I know how to charge it and what not. My question is, how come I can’t seem to achieve the orgasms that I used to have when I first got my toy? Is it time for me to find a new toy?

– E.R.

It’s possible. It depends on what the toy is, how you’re using it, and a few other factors. First and foremost, though, check with your doctor to make sure there isn’t a medical issue at play. I’m going to take a few stabs here, but please contact me with more details so I can help you out with this (after you check with your doc).

Make sure you’re using a good lubricant. Lube transmits vibrations better. If it’s a high quality rechargeable, check to see if the warranty is still good on it. If you’re not sure, let me know and I can help you figure it out.

If it’s instead a porous and/or battery operated item (it doesn’t sound like it is, but just in case someone is reading this who has one), it might be time to replace it. Try fresh batteries first, but if you’ve had it for longer than a year, it might be time for a replacement anyway. Large sex toy manufacturers know that porous products should be disposed of every 8-12 months or so to prevent vaginal infection, and are banking on consumers dropping cash every year on a new one.

Lastly, your body’s sense of sensation, sex drive, and tastes can change over time for various reasons. Spice it up a bit – even try enhancers like ON or just a different type of toy (see above). Change up any erotica or porn. Do something different to excite the brain. Add novelty.

If you think it’s time to replace it, invest in something that will last a bit longer and has a warranty. If you want a personalized session with me, I’m happy to do a Soiree for you, where you and your friends can have an enchanting evening of laughter and learning, and where I can provide each of you personalized consultation (and you can earn free stuff), or we can go in-depth with a Passion Coaching session where you can learn a bit more about what makes you tick sexually and how to make the most of it.

Keep us posted as to what worked for you!

Thanks to everyone who sent in their masturbation stories and questions! If you have a sex, sex toy, or relationship question, I’m always accepting submissions here!

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