We all know the trope of the wife wanting to be intimate with her husband, but he’s either clueless about foreplay or finds it as much of a chore as she does having intercourse with him. While it sometimes reflects reality, foreplay isn’t just for wives, and it can definitely be fun for everyone. Here’s how to up your foreplay game and take your sex life to the next level.
Get Your Head in the Game
How you think about foreplay is everything. When you start thinking of foreplay as a chore, you start thinking of sex as just a way to get off, and there’s no intimacy. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a great sex life to me. It’s time to start thinking of foreplay as a necessary and fun part of your partnered sex life.
Think Outside the Box
So now that you’re thinking about it, how do you (and your partner) define foreplay? Only kissing and touching? Oral sex? Foreplay is sexual play designed to arouse your partner. Think about how you and your partner define where the lines blur between flirting, foreplay, and sex. For example, cunnilingus might be foreplay to one couple, but might be the main sex event of the night for another. Foreplay builds excitement and connection. Be willing to experiment!
Talk About Foreplay
If you’re having sex according to the pizza model, you already know the importance of communicating. Communicate on foreplay, too. Tell your partner what you’d like them to do to get you turned on. Ask your partner what revs their engine.
Make your foreplay intimate. Intimacy is vulnerability, and can take many forms. Create a space where your partner can be vulnerable with you to reveal their deepest desires. Appreciate their trust in you. Fulfill each others’ desires, so that you can allow yourself to feel selfish and indulged when its your turn. Be fully present. Whether you’re with a one-night stand or your spouse of 25 years, great sex can’t happen without intimacy. It can be the smouldering mutual desire of locking eyes in a crowded bar that you take up to your hotel room. It could be sincere appreciation for what your partner has done for you lately. It could be looking into your lover’s eyes and seeing through to their soul. Intimacy is what makes make-up sex after a fight so great – you’re bearing your inner core to make amends and forgive.
Give It Time
There’s an old saying that women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves in terms of getting turned on. Today, we know that’s not necessarily true. Some penis owners need a bit more warm-up time, too. And of course, sex drive in general often differs between partners in the first place. Spend time appreciating, complimenting, and seducing one another throughout the day, and ramp it up as you get closer to bedtime. Also, remember to reciprocate. If you’re the low drive partner being seduced by your high drive partner, remember that they, too need touches, caresses, and hungry stares to be fully aroused. Sometimes, a high drive partner will stop initiating if the low drive partner gets warmed up and suddenly wants to go for the main event. It’s foreplay. Play! Together!
Switch It Up with These Practical Tips
The brain loves both routine and novelty. This dichotomy can wreak havoc on our sex lives, but can also be what makes it amazing! Here are some ideas to help you spice it up:
- Get relaxed. Arousal and orgasm are part of the parasympathetic nerve system, which is science talk for you need to chill out.
- Set realistic massage expectations. Yes, massage is great foreplay but when you’re busy, tired parents, remember there’s no pressure to pretend your partner has purchased an hour-long massage from a professional. And please reciprocate. If one partner likes giving massages less than the other, that partner should give first, get second. If you both hate giving but like receiving, just go book a couples massage date instead.
- Get verbal. Sext without pictures! Get your brain engaged in a game of fantasy-building with your partner. The female brain tends to be more verbal, by the way, which is why dick pics don’t work as a flirting tool very often.
- Nipple stimulation isn’t just for women. Everyone has nipples, and they can be very sensitive. Whether it’s light tongue flicks, sucking, pinching, or clamping, many nipples enjoy stimulation. Be sure to ask your partner, first – some people, including women, don’t like nipple stimulation at all.
- Know your love languages. Learn to be bilingual so your partner hears you. This builds intimacy.
- Attend a sex toy party together. So this is more of a date, but it’s a particularly intimate one. When you’re learning about intimate body parts, hold hands and give each other knowing glances. When you’re shopping, you’ll get some one-on-one time with a sex expert who won’t share your secrets, and who will help you pick out the right products for your relationship and send you home with tips you can try that night. I happen to know a certified sex coach who does toy parties… 😉
- Act like teenagers. Go ahead and make out for half an hour, trying to up the ante of where you can touch, reading each others’ bodies. Steal kisses in public. Hold hands.
- Try flavored foreplay. Flavored lubricants are great as something to lick off various body parts, and help you transition easily from foreplay to sexy play.
- Shave each other. Some people find shaving each others’ body hair incredibly intimate and arousing, and are afraid to mention it, since many others find it terrifying.
- Dabble in BDSM. Be playful (and safe) about bondage and role play.
- Experiment with Tantra. Tantric breathing techniques are especially arousing.
I hope you’ve found these tips helpful. Do you have any sexy foreplay secrets you’d like to share? Leave them in the comments below!